Divorcing a Crazy Spouse

"Are you insane??"

Bipolar Disorder. The DSM describes bipolar disorder as a “mood disturbance” characterized by 4 or more of the following:

• ·Inflated self esteem
• ·Decreased need for sleep
• ·Increased talkative-ness
• ·Flightiness
• ·Increased distractibility
• ·Increased goal-directed activity
• ·Excessive activities with potential negative consequences (like spending, sexual encounters, etc.)

What I have noticed as a lawyer (not a psychologist) is that clients who are married to someone with bipolar disorder complain of their spouse’s moods. I hear about poor money management and adultery. Over months, they will first seem happy, gregarious, but also argumentative, sexually impulsive, and bad with money. A few days, weeks or months later, their spouse will become sad, regretful, and willing to settle the divorce. I find that of all the mental disorders, these marriages are the most hopeful to save. A good medicine and a spouse’s commitment to taking it often saves the marriage. My advice for those who are NOT being abused, see these symptoms, and don’t want a divorce? File for divorce but then try counseling. I’ll explain why I think you should consider filing for divorce, even when you are trying to save your marriage, at the end of this article.

Borderline Personality Disorder. The DSM states that people with Borderline Personality Disorder display traits such as:

• ·Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment
• ·Unstable personal relationships
• ·Unstable self iimage
• ·Impulsive, self-destructive behavior
• ·Recurring suicidal gestures
• ·Reactivity, especially intense anger
• ·Paranoia

Clients married to someone showing symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) make the same complaints as clients married to someone with bipolar disorder, but the complaints are more extreme. The mood swings are within hours or minutes, rather than days or weeks, and usually they complain of violent outbursts. I hear a lot more verbal abuse from spouses of people with a BPD diagnosis, and many more complaints about their spouse’s random sexual promiscuity. While a Bipolar spouse might have an affair, I rarely hear about them sleeping with multiple partners the way I will hear about this from a BPD spouse. My clients seem to have a harder time coping with a BPD spouse, often confused about their behavior and more interested in trying harder to save the marriage than do spouses of people with bipolar disorder. I have never seen a diagnosis of BPD and seen the marriage survive.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder: an actual personality disorder

Divorce clients often refer to their spouse as a narcissist, and while their spouse may indeed be selfish and mean, I often find that my clients don’t actually understand the difference between that selfishness and the actual personality disorder. The DSM has historically described people who have NPD as being:

• ·overly self-important and entitled
• · willing to exploit others for their own purposes
• ·demanding constant admiration
• ·having no empathy for other people’s pain
• ·envying others and believing others envy them

The clients who truly are divorcing someone with NPD rarely recognize the disorder. Instead, they turn inward, blaming themselves for their spouse’s behavior and attempting to control that behavior through various indirect means. There are tell-tale signs though: the NPD spouse is usually good looking and well dressed, and alternatively extremely disheveled and barely dressed. They almost always cheat on their spouse, then blame their spouse for their adultery. They are very likely to get their children to align with them against the other parent. Most people in a divorce lie about one thing or another, but the NPD sufferer lies when there is no point to telling the lie – even when the truth would do them good. 

My experiences as a divorce attorney assisting people to get away from truly mentally ill spouses is not the experience of a licensed psychologist. I cannot diagnose. I can only relate the experience of representing numerous people whose marriage crumbled under the weight of their spouse’s illness. I do offer the following advice:

First, get yourself and your children into therapy.

I often say that “crazy is contagious.” During your marriage, you and your children will likely have developed coping skills, often unhealthy coping skills, trying to preserve your marriage. Those habits need to be unlearned.

Second, this is the time like no other time to practice self-care as a discipline.

Yes, it does matter to get that exercise 3 times per week, eat those vegetables and pro-biotics, get rid of that addiction to alcohol or caffeine, ensure you have weekly time with friends and loved ones, a hot shower and 8 hours of sleep every day. This divorce from someone with a mental illness is not going to end quickly. You have got to have the strength of body and mind to endure and to make good and rational decisions.

Third, trust the people around you to help you keep perspective and make those decisions.

You are awfully close to a dysfunctional life. Distance and perspective is what you need.

Fourth, be patient. It took a while to get into this mess.

It’s going to take about the same length of time to get out of it. Be patient with yourself. You are worth it.

Fifth, have a darn good lawyer and do what they say. I often advise getting a or a custody evaluation in cases mentally ill spouse.